Monday, April 4, 2005

Southern Astrological Signs

Here is the Southern Spoof on Astrological signs:

Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the
inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back
over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away
from Moon Pies.

Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin,
however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty
of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.
Chitlins can burn and then erupt like a volcano, and this can make for
a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the
interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven
as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to
marry you, so don't worry about it.

Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a
cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and
"round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can
get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might
be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it"
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think
you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may
find your problems actually running you over.

May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living
room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have
very, very good hands.

Jun 22- Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of
those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists,
and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are
Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself
a lot of headaches.

Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one
exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are
never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the
clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from
Moon Pies.

Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to
huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel,
though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you
like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or
eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that
serves you well.

Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones -- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to
because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road
of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the
vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can
sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do
with Moon Pies.

Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are
actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some
roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not
concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with
anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

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